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Anger Resolution for Couples
from: Jennifer OttolinoCommunication is a key component to maintaining a healthy and nurturing relationship. One of the most common and damaging relationship pitfalls is the unheard problem that erodes a relationship over time.
Unfortunately, we are not taught how to get our feelings heard and our needs met without fighting with our partner. When you are spitting mad, taking the time to actually sit down and think about what is going on with you is easier said than done. Here are five STEPS that will help you get your feelings heard, your needs met, and lead to constructive problem resolution.
Set Boundaries
Think before you act
Express
Peace
Sync up and acknowledge
1) Boundaries
While you and your partner are in a good place, establish boundaries for resolving a problem. Boundaries are lines that you draw to protect yourself from behavior that you find damaging. These boundaries should be anything that either you or your partner deems destructive to your communication process. It is important to remember that this is not about consensus. If one partner has a boundary of not yelling in anger and the other partner has a boundary of no swearing, both boundaries are honored. Not breaking the ground rules you both establish for disagreements will go a long way in constructive communication.
2) Think before you act
When you find yourself getting angry or resentful toward your partner, it is easy to slip into blaming. Blaming will only lead to more hurt and anger. Now is the time to get clear about how you feel and what you need. Let's use a simplified example to demonstrate the process: your partner is two hours late getting home, and hasn’t called.
Our common response when we are angry is to attack. The second the person comes in the door, the screaming starts. This accomplishes little, and will likely lead to an argument. Pretty soon the argument escalates to include any sins committed since the beginning of the relationship. The best option for you before you discuss this with your partner is to get clear about your feelings.
Think about how you feel, and why. Sometimes it helps to write it all out. When you first start this process, let yourself just vent. This helps dissipate some of that energy and helps you move to a place where you can focus on your feelings. Do you feel afraid, alone, unimportant or all three? Get to a place where you can use “I” statements to describe how you feel. "I feel afraid. I feel unimportant." It will probably take some time to get to a place where it is about how you feel, not what the person did. Give yourself the gift of taking that time.
After you’re clear about how you feel, focus on what you need. What do I need to help me feel better about this situation? How can I get my needs met? Can I meet this need myself or do I need help? "I need for people to call me when they are going to be more than 15 minutes late. "
When you feel focused and centered on your feelings and what you need, take some time to think about why you love the person. It is always helpful to remember some of the good things a person has added to your life, and will help you come from a loving place when you express your needs.
3) Express Your Needs
Now the time has come to express yourself to your partner. Remember, this is about getting your feelings heard and your needs met.
1. Ask the person if they can talk with you. Make sure that you have given the person enough time for his or her own processing. "I want to talk with you about upset I was. Is this a good time for you?”
2. Tell the person how much you love them. "I just want to tell you how much I love you and how important our relationship is to me." This may sound strange but it actually helps relax the other person so that they can actually listen to you. In addition, it will help the person be more receptive your needs. Remember, this about getting your needs met!
3. Express how you feel. "I feel angry and upset right now. I feel unimportant when a person is late and does not let me know."
4. Tell the person what you need. "What I really need from you is to call me when you are going to be more than 15 minutes late."
5. Ask the person for support. "This is really important to me, is this something you can do for me?"
In most cases, if you follow this process the person will be more than happy to meet your needs and more likely to follow through on their support. You will feel heard and the disagreement should feel resolved.
4) Peace
Check back with your feelings and determine if you still feel angry or resentful. If you are, there is probably more that is going on and the process should be repeated. If you do still feel angry, make sure it is real anger. Sometimes we think that the only way to win is for the other person to lose, and we feel dissatisfied without the knock down, drag out fight. Hopefully, you will feel really good at this point, your anger will be gone and your needs met. This is a good time to give each other a hug and reaffirm that you love each other.
5) Sync up & Acknowledge
A couple days later, check in with yourself and with your partner to ensure that the matter has been resolved. When the person supports your needs in the way that you requested, make sure you acknowledge that and tell them how much their support means to you. This will reinforce the behavior and ensure that your needs will continue to be met.
These steps will go a long way to improving your communication with your partner during a disagreement. This will probably feel a little strange at first. It will take practice. Think about how wonderful it will be to get what you need without energy-draining, defensive, and damaging fights. Remember, this is not about blame and what the other person did “wrong”. This is about getting your feelings heard and your needs fulfilled. You and your partner will both be happier with the result.
About the Author
Jennifer Ottolino is a Personal and Professional Discovery Coach who specializes in helping individuals live a balanced and fulfilled personal and professional life. Send her an email at jen@coachjen.com or visit her website at coachjen.com
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